.Wednesday, January 12, 2011 ' 5:16 AM Y
Pistanthrophobia- the fear of trustingSometimes I'm afraid to be happy, because everytime i'm happy, something goes wrong & hurts.projects projects projects, how come they are like the water, never ending? one day i must really go to the beach and shout out my lungs. there is just something in my chest, like a black hole, every emotions you can think of, it will be there. i cant vent it out, i cant laugh it out & i cant cry it out. i thought i'm those type of ppl where i can handle stress very well. when i have stress in school, i can just relax when i go out or when i'm at home. but no, now its not in this case. stress i received from everywhere is overwhelming. i dont know what to write because even i say it out, nobody would understand. i tried to listen to high songs and make myself happy today, telling myself that everyday is special, dont waste thme away. but when i step into school, everything changed. i'm alone again. the scariest feeling is when everyone is around me & yet i felt lonely. i felt that no one is gonna save me from this thing and i can never escape. for the past 17 years, i never felt so helpless before, even during o levels period because i still have ppl to help me with those studies. but now? poly, i dont know how to describe. is not i dont want to share, but i dont know how to. what am i suppose to do? i start to lose myself. i cry to sleep every night. this is scary. i dont know myself anymore & i'm afraid i cant find back myself. why can you handle your own problems? why cant you handle stress? arent you always baosting that you can do it you can do it? do what?
i'm not good at studies, i'm not good in my stress management, i'm not good solving in my relationsip problems. i'm not good at anything. this few nights, i've been sitting at my bed and tried to think of a way out. but then i cant figure out. i would be staring at my ceiling and stone. & perhaps, cry. someone told me before, if you met any situation, if you cried, that means you have already accept the fact that the situation is real. i cried is not because i accepted, because i'm in pain. but i really dont want anybody to know about this especially him. i dont want him to know that i'm at my weakest & most helpless point in this 18 years of life.
do you know how i convince myself every single day? aiya, he's just busy / his handphone no batt/ he's busy studying/ he's having problems thats why he never contact me. 4 days, i never hear his voice for 4 days. since i can survive through that 14 days, why not this 4 days? during that 14days when he's not around, i didnt see him at all. no updates no nothing. but this 4 days? i've been looking at him in class. yes i admit that i hope that he will text me or call me at night. i dont mind losing my sleep if i can talk to him. but this isnt happening, and what i've been afraid of is finally happening. the distance is already there. i dont know how to approach him anymore. i tried texting him, because the feeling of missing is really getting bad to worst. but you know what? he didnt reply. i dont know whether he is really that busy or he just dont want to be bothered with me. the only thing i know now is that i really miss him badly. everytime before sleeping i will think of him, waking up the first thought would be "i'll be seeing him later" but when i think of him i will slap my face, telling myself not to think too much. but it isnt working at all. everybody is telling me to give up give up change target, be single is good. I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS SAID IS TRUE. but i just cant do it. i dont know what did he do to me, everyday when i go to school, my eyes will be looking around looking for him. i really tried to be the eunice chua before school starts, but i cant, and i dont know how to do it already. i cant seem to find that cheerful eunice back. i feel so painful & helpless. i also want to be like those ppl who are good in relationships, good in studies & smart where they know how to do every projects.but i'm not. i'm stupid okay. i dont know how to handle my own probelms. i dont know i dont know i dont know.
whats the use of crying every night? does anything change? its my fault in getting this trouble. now even myself dont know how to save myself. everything is my fault. i miss talking to him i miss texting him i miss his long texts i miss his smile i miss his crap i miss his voice i miss his jokes i miss his flirting i miss his horny comments i miss gossiping with him, i miss talking to him till late nights & left a few hours to sleep, i miss everything with him. i'm a fucking failure in life. i'm so sorry friends, i let you down. i dont know how to save myself from this trouble. i cant find back myself. i'm not as nonchalant as you guys see from the outside. i'm not as strong,not as smart as you can think. i dont know what i want for life. for now, i want a shoulder. a shoulder that can take my crying & a listening ears that can listen how painful is my silence. i think i fell a little too hard for him. i didnt expec tthat things will turn out this way. i wont say that i love him till i can die for him, but i dont know how long i need to let go if this gonna continue. i know he wont see this page. i know he wont call me, i know he wont text me, i know he wont ask me out, i know that our feelings wont be mutual. everybody is crazy in love. i'm not. i'm forever alone.
i miss you really much. every single thing made me think of you. your everything. random scenes kept playing in my head & i'm going crazy soon. but i know you wont see this page anyway. we're impossible right? i know. i know very well. i'll be fine without you, someday but not now.
