.Tuesday, August 16, 2011 ' 5:18 AM Y
Heartstrings
I don't know what should I feel.
hi, im back to this little place. i guess no one will be looking, which is actually good. i dont want to be emo on twitter as i have to explain what's going on with my life. 90% of them are curious, 5% wants to know what's wrong with my life and laugh behind my back, only the last 5% are truly concerned. but, how am i supposed to judge who are in the 5%? i dont know. my life's a drama. the person i like, became the person that annoyed me the most. the person i thought that wont hurt me, hurt me the most. the person that i knew the longest, backstabbed me. ha, what type of life am i leading? i hardly post any essay on tumblr, coz i know people are looking. what for let them know what's wrong with my life & why am i like that? i'm officially 18, i've learnt that some things dont have let the whole world know, just keep it to yourself. im not gonna let ppl know the stuffs of my life, rather be a mysterious girl and lead a normal life. yet again, what's normal? to look back, i've trusted & fell for the wrong guy. isit a blessing in disguise? all these realization made me know him better, & let me know that he's not a good guy. i should thank God actually, for letting me what kind of person he is. luckily i let go of him. but haha, i was sad for him for quite a long period of time, which is quite stupid. i decided to unfriend him. he's out of my life, cant be bothered with what he did, because they disgusted me. & the friend that i knew the longest in the group, haha. how i know that she's like that? in fairytales, bad guys always would have this bad aura around them, you could easily see through their intentions & mind. but in real life? bad guys always have the best smile, which make you fall into their trap. so, teach me how to trust? or perhaps, teach me how to spot for bad guys? oh well, everyone is busy with their lives, how isit possible for them to save me from all this shit that im facing. i think im a good actress, everyone seems to believe that i'm really happy everyday. im not saying that im not happy. the best way to cheer myself up is to cheer somebody up. when i cheer somebody up & managed to make them smile, i found myself smiling. you may say this is a numbing process, i start to believe that im happy. the 2 ppgs are actually more happy than me. one is attached, one have suitors. but somehow they are more sad than me. why? they are not contented. making them smile is somehow my job everyday. i have to say it can be quite tiring sometimes. because when im down, i still have to do my job and make them smile. i dont know what am i doing with my life. im trying to be contented with my life. i need to be. i cannot let ppl pull me down. i cannot let anyone ruin my life. no more. how am i supposed to do that? easy, guard my own heart. simple yet difficult to do so. 18 is a age to party. so im just gonna party thru my year. what's love? i dont know. i have trusting issues . in fact i have lots of issues. and all such issues, i have to solve it myself. no one will be there for me. "nobody will care even you're feeling miserable, so might as well hide all those emotions & be happy." so many things have taught me not to trust easily. those who are in my life, how long are you gonna stay? tell me when you're leaving, give me some time to get use to it. actually im used to it. sad to say, what's new? friends backstabbed, betrayed by the person you like/love, what else? my life is a drama, & in the end of the day, i only have myself. i only can depend on myself. every life lesson taught me not to trust, they taught me that i can only trust myself. i will only trust myself, love myself, put myself in the first place of everything, do things that is in the best of my own interests, think of myself. why should i let someone ruin everything i have? why should i share my love and trust and faith? i'm just gonna be the "bitch" or "slut" ppl's saying. be a player? perhaps. im a changed person, no point calling me to turn back. no one would understand how i feel. for this 18 years, i have countless of dramas, i have countless of incidents to kill myself. who knows? you can relate, but not understand. "you rather feel some pain than nothing?" bullshit. "good things come to those who wait." rubbish. "you'll meet your true love soon" whatever. not gonna hope for all this things. for what? to make myself disappointed? i also want someone to be with me when im down. i also want someone to sweettalk me just to make me smile. i also want someone to always be there for me like what im doing. but, forget it. the person im waiting, is gonna be myself. i will comfort myself and give a pat on the shoulder when im sad. i will smile to the mirror so i can make myself smile. i will always be there for myself when i need to make any decisions. done. be strong, be firm. i can do it.
